"Psychosomatic"

"Psychosomatic; you're so dramatic, you seem to hang on every word I say. Psychosomatical; you're so fanatical. You crowd my life and you won't go away.

You breathe my air, you take my space... You make me hate the human race.

Can't fight the feeling, my mind is reeling-- eternal hate that won't go away. A bitter ending to no avail; cheap exploitation is here to stay.

Psychosomatical; you're so fanatical. You crowd my life and you won't go away.

In a world where no one wins, a chemical playground of lust and sin, swallow the pill... believe the lie. Unknown pleasures: we live to die.

Psychosomatic: learn to survive."

This song, by Front Line Assembly, popped up on Pandora and really spoke to me. I feel stifled often and filled with a hatred that I find nearly impossible to shake. It is painful to my normally... er... what used to be my normally cheerful self. My freshman year of college, I was given the nickname "Sunshine". I was, indeed, happy. I had been accepted into a wonderful school and given a scholarship, I had a wonderful boyfriend, and I was embarking upon another grand adventure... 

Well, I got sick. 

The new-found love of freedom and the availability of stereotypical college "uh-oh"s became too much for my immune system. My six month train of various and sundry illnesses on top of my not-so-good relationship with my parents and topped off with my boyfriend of six months moving ~800 miles away... The combination very nearly killed me.

Physical pain felt so much better and easier to deal with than emotional pain.

I have friends that I love and appreciate dearly, but even their patience and support could not save me from the downwards spiral I found myself in. It is exceptionally hard to keep up a facade of happiness, joy, and "Sunshine" all of the time when, on the inside, you feel like everything around you is crumbling into ruin.

Hate is the word that comes to mind. I hate the majority of people, but I am naive enough to give them a chance. Perhaps that is where I make my mistake. I am most certainly Val tonight. My mood is dark and I am just trying my damnedest to distract myself from doing stupid stuff that would cause people to question. I know I am a little touched in the head and I know I am more privileged than many... But why are the privileged so unsatisfied with life when some of the most underprivileged people can be so content with what they have? Is it because they know they would not be surviving with less? I have no idea. 

Musings for another night. Val kept the "normal" me up until very late in the early morning with her sick, twisted thoughts. I should probably try to sleep now. Peace out, psychopaths.