New Life

Operation FTW (Fuck The World)

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Life got too busy and too complicated. The first bit of my absence was actually ridiculously pleasant. Choir tour was nothing to write home about; however, for Spring Break I visited my boyfriend and got to meet his parents for the first time. A brief summary of how well it went over: on the day of my departure, I crawled into bed with them and received hugs, snugs, kisses, and I was told how much they loved me. 

They LOVED me. And I LOVED them.

It was so strange to be loved so purely as one who, at the beginning of the week, was almost a complete stranger-- Facebook friendship not taken into consideration. My mother, of course, did not take too kindly to any of it and screamed something along the lines of "enjoy your new family" (cannot recall exact words... Freudian repression at its best) and I replied without missing a beat "I will".

That brings me to my current situation.

NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT RIGHT.

So, yaknow what I'm going to do? Make it work. Fuck the world. I am a grown woman. I am not financially independent yet, but you know what? I can be. I can do anything I set my mind to. The back-stabbing education department at my school can't even stop me. I will rise above and I will persevere. For starters, I am DONE with the school I currently attend. I will not be returning next year.

This is cause for a celebration. I have been miserable here.

Dad asked me tonight to delve into the root of my misery. I suppose he really doesn't believe that I'm completely unhappy and find no meaning to life or anything when I'm away from the man who makes life worth living. I wake up every morning because I know he exists in my life. With all of my insecurities and frothing self-hatred I no longer make myself happy. My environment does not make me happy. It makes me angry and sad.

My parents, whom I love very much and who have taken care of me from the time they adopted me, are wonderful people. That said, I would have preferred them divorcing a long time ago. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't want them to, but now I see that it would have saved us all from a lot of unnecessary misery.

I hate myself as a person. I think I am weak, fat, ugly, and abnormal. Why? Because I love the way cutting feels. Because I look in a mirror and all I see is a fat chick who cannot stop eating no matter how many pounds she has put on. Because I look at a mirror and then have to look at the "perfect" people around me, whether I am walking to class or watching a movie. Because I am different, even to the point where I have the nub of what used to be a sixth finger on my left hand like Dr. Hannibal Lecter. 

When my man came into my life, it was one of the best things. Even when we were friends that no one approved of, I took solace in our every conversation. He was someone I trusted and someone that I could relate to. None of that has changed. Our relationship has been one of the most stable I have personally witnessed. My fellow betters me and vice versa. We grow from one another and that is what a relationship is supposed to be about. I am blessed to have him in my life, but it is a curse above all to be so far away from him.

All I want right now is to fall asleep in his arms. I always sleep better when he's around and I rarely sleep well when we're apart.

I do not feel as if I ask for a lot in life. I am not asking to be a quadrillionaire (though, I wouldn't complain if I chanced upon such a sum!), but I am asking for the opportunity to be in an environment that is healthy for me-- emotionally, physically, and mentally. 

Since my lot in life is that of one who cannot obtain that right now, guess what?

I'm going to obtain it anyway.

The process has already begun. If all goes according to plan, then I will be striking my own course in about three months. I have three months to get all of my shit together. Please pray for me. Pray for guidance, peace, hope, and the ability to cope with and overcome all hardships that come my way.

This is MY life. To Hell with who/whatever gets in my way and tries to prevent me from reaching my goals. It will not work this time. 

My passion, fury, and resolve are unbridled.

FUCK THE WORLD!