Questions

DISAPPOINTMENT

I want to know the mother who struggled to bear me from the womb to this fucking disgusting planet. I want to know the father who probably doesn't know I exist. I want to know who my family is. My biological family. Blood. Genes. The lot of it.

And people wonder why I can't concentrate.

People wonder why I'm so fucking crazy.

I don't know who I am and from whence I came. I don't know the fucking psycho genes I have.

I don't know anything anymore.

All I know is that I'm unhappy. And maybe I do have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder).

Or maybe I'm just tired of caring. Yeah. Maybe I'm just tired of caring.

I'm even pissed at the man whom I love because he's being an asshole reacting negatively to my incessant whining which I really can't seem to help. I know I need an attitude adjustment. I look forward to hopefully getting some meds for this shit. 

I can't handle it.

I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of this fucking, goddamn paper, and I'm tired of being HERE doing THIS SHIT.

<done>

New Life

Operation FTW (Fuck The World)

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Life got too busy and too complicated. The first bit of my absence was actually ridiculously pleasant. Choir tour was nothing to write home about; however, for Spring Break I visited my boyfriend and got to meet his parents for the first time. A brief summary of how well it went over: on the day of my departure, I crawled into bed with them and received hugs, snugs, kisses, and I was told how much they loved me. 

They LOVED me. And I LOVED them.

It was so strange to be loved so purely as one who, at the beginning of the week, was almost a complete stranger-- Facebook friendship not taken into consideration. My mother, of course, did not take too kindly to any of it and screamed something along the lines of "enjoy your new family" (cannot recall exact words... Freudian repression at its best) and I replied without missing a beat "I will".

That brings me to my current situation.

NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT RIGHT.

So, yaknow what I'm going to do? Make it work. Fuck the world. I am a grown woman. I am not financially independent yet, but you know what? I can be. I can do anything I set my mind to. The back-stabbing education department at my school can't even stop me. I will rise above and I will persevere. For starters, I am DONE with the school I currently attend. I will not be returning next year.

This is cause for a celebration. I have been miserable here.

Dad asked me tonight to delve into the root of my misery. I suppose he really doesn't believe that I'm completely unhappy and find no meaning to life or anything when I'm away from the man who makes life worth living. I wake up every morning because I know he exists in my life. With all of my insecurities and frothing self-hatred I no longer make myself happy. My environment does not make me happy. It makes me angry and sad.

My parents, whom I love very much and who have taken care of me from the time they adopted me, are wonderful people. That said, I would have preferred them divorcing a long time ago. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't want them to, but now I see that it would have saved us all from a lot of unnecessary misery.

I hate myself as a person. I think I am weak, fat, ugly, and abnormal. Why? Because I love the way cutting feels. Because I look in a mirror and all I see is a fat chick who cannot stop eating no matter how many pounds she has put on. Because I look at a mirror and then have to look at the "perfect" people around me, whether I am walking to class or watching a movie. Because I am different, even to the point where I have the nub of what used to be a sixth finger on my left hand like Dr. Hannibal Lecter. 

When my man came into my life, it was one of the best things. Even when we were friends that no one approved of, I took solace in our every conversation. He was someone I trusted and someone that I could relate to. None of that has changed. Our relationship has been one of the most stable I have personally witnessed. My fellow betters me and vice versa. We grow from one another and that is what a relationship is supposed to be about. I am blessed to have him in my life, but it is a curse above all to be so far away from him.

All I want right now is to fall asleep in his arms. I always sleep better when he's around and I rarely sleep well when we're apart.

I do not feel as if I ask for a lot in life. I am not asking to be a quadrillionaire (though, I wouldn't complain if I chanced upon such a sum!), but I am asking for the opportunity to be in an environment that is healthy for me-- emotionally, physically, and mentally. 

Since my lot in life is that of one who cannot obtain that right now, guess what?

I'm going to obtain it anyway.

The process has already begun. If all goes according to plan, then I will be striking my own course in about three months. I have three months to get all of my shit together. Please pray for me. Pray for guidance, peace, hope, and the ability to cope with and overcome all hardships that come my way.

This is MY life. To Hell with who/whatever gets in my way and tries to prevent me from reaching my goals. It will not work this time. 

My passion, fury, and resolve are unbridled.

FUCK THE WORLD!

Physical pain is divinely simple.
My scars are a part of who I am. They speak for my weakness.
They speak for my pain. They whisper words of sweet relief.


I'm really fucking sick of  everything. 

!!! Caution: Contains Strong Language !!!

Pandora and I seem to be connecting lately. "Hate This" by Grendel played followed by "Mordfabrik" by Suicide Commando. I realize (most of) you might not have my taste in music, so here are some examples:


Excerpt from Hate This: "Hate this, you motherfucker! Hate this, you know who I am? Hate this, you motherfucker! [...] You think you know about hate? You think you know about anger, motherfucker?"

The entirety of Mordfabrik: "Start the attack; the evil lurks on your back. It's like a rope around your neck. Let's hang him higher and higher. Feel no remorse, this is the only resource. It's like a devilish force. It's taking over me, it's taking over me."

All of this is happening while I'm trying (in vain) to remember lyrics to "Non e ver" by Tito Mattei for my opera audition this afternoon at two. It is, most certainly, an off-day for music and lyrics and singing. I cannot remember lyrics to songs that have been my favorites for years much less this bloody Italian. Realizing this, I am obviously becoming more and more stressed and I think that has a huge impact on whether or not I am in charge or if Val is. She was in charge last night when I went to sleep so it was not restful. I woke up this morning unable to will myself out of bed to breakfast and just managed to get to where I was supposed to be on time. Also, I have a lot of work that needs to be done this weekend... a LOT of work with a busy Saturday.

So, why am I procrastinating? 

I do not like facing the real world and would prefer to live in my alternate reality. If only life were as simple as getting up, getting lost in a good book or Lord of the Rings Online, eating, sleeping, and playing around. When I become stressed, I need to get some better coping mechanisms. If anyone who happens to chance upon this blog has a couple, I would be appreciative. Right now, my coping mechanisms consist of the following: removing myself from the situation, pretending as if it does not exist, procrastinating until there is no time left to avoid reality, stupid things, or I will either watch a movie, browse the internet, or play games like the aforementioned Lord of the Rings Online, Modern Warfare, et cetera. 

On a completely unrelated topic, what I desire right now above anything is a 'so-hot-you-burn-your-ass' bubble bath complete with a bottle of wine, some nice scented candles, and a good novel with some music playing in the background. That, dear readers, sounds like Heaven. It is a pity I have no time for such.

"Psychosomatic"

"Psychosomatic; you're so dramatic, you seem to hang on every word I say. Psychosomatical; you're so fanatical. You crowd my life and you won't go away.

You breathe my air, you take my space... You make me hate the human race.

Can't fight the feeling, my mind is reeling-- eternal hate that won't go away. A bitter ending to no avail; cheap exploitation is here to stay.

Psychosomatical; you're so fanatical. You crowd my life and you won't go away.

In a world where no one wins, a chemical playground of lust and sin, swallow the pill... believe the lie. Unknown pleasures: we live to die.

Psychosomatic: learn to survive."

This song, by Front Line Assembly, popped up on Pandora and really spoke to me. I feel stifled often and filled with a hatred that I find nearly impossible to shake. It is painful to my normally... er... what used to be my normally cheerful self. My freshman year of college, I was given the nickname "Sunshine". I was, indeed, happy. I had been accepted into a wonderful school and given a scholarship, I had a wonderful boyfriend, and I was embarking upon another grand adventure... 

Well, I got sick. 

The new-found love of freedom and the availability of stereotypical college "uh-oh"s became too much for my immune system. My six month train of various and sundry illnesses on top of my not-so-good relationship with my parents and topped off with my boyfriend of six months moving ~800 miles away... The combination very nearly killed me.

Physical pain felt so much better and easier to deal with than emotional pain.

I have friends that I love and appreciate dearly, but even their patience and support could not save me from the downwards spiral I found myself in. It is exceptionally hard to keep up a facade of happiness, joy, and "Sunshine" all of the time when, on the inside, you feel like everything around you is crumbling into ruin.

Hate is the word that comes to mind. I hate the majority of people, but I am naive enough to give them a chance. Perhaps that is where I make my mistake. I am most certainly Val tonight. My mood is dark and I am just trying my damnedest to distract myself from doing stupid stuff that would cause people to question. I know I am a little touched in the head and I know I am more privileged than many... But why are the privileged so unsatisfied with life when some of the most underprivileged people can be so content with what they have? Is it because they know they would not be surviving with less? I have no idea. 

Musings for another night. Val kept the "normal" me up until very late in the early morning with her sick, twisted thoughts. I should probably try to sleep now. Peace out, psychopaths. 

Introductions

Yesterday, a friend gave me a great idea that I found intriguing... One of my multiple personalities, Valkyrie (Val), in particular enjoyed the idea of having an outlet for all of her viciousness and ill intentions.


First, a little about myself in toto. I am old enough to be jaded and young enough to still have a little hope for the future and reside in the Southeastern United States. As of late, I have noticed that I have alternate selves: [Asian] Anne and Valkyrie. My boyfriend, and hopefully my fiance and husband one day, gave me the nickname Asian Anne because when I am around him, I smile so much my eyes are crinkled. This is the extreme happiness. Valkyrie, on the other hand, is a vicious, harmful, and negative dark side that I have tried for many years to control. My attempts have been futile and I have run out of options.


Secondly, I would like to point out that "vulnerose" means "wounded" and that I am a fan of alliteration.


Now, you must think I am crazy. My boyfriend thinks the same apparently, although he won't admit it and I really wish he would. That aside, I obviously have some demons to work through and Facebook is not the place to do it thanks to the lack of anonymity. Therefore, through this blog I'm merely going to share my experiences in dealing with my life as it is and hopefully work through the issues I have since I, for some reason, apparently feel as if making it public will do something. 


"Admitting you have a problem is the first step."


I'm ready to do this.